Ego Armour Fit for the Ad Battlefield

“Slapping can make you fat.” – A.I.-Generated Inspirational Quote


Your copy could have been written by an Orangutan with no fingers.

Was your hair styled by blind knife-fighters?

You should be replaced by a sign that says ‘VOID‘ on it – it would be of more use.

If you’re sick of hearing such creative – but psychologically destructive – insults day after day, why don’t you do something about it, you ugly CHUD?

(CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller – take THAT, feels.)

If there’s one personality trait common to the creative directors I’ve met, it’s that they’re blunt. This is an essential part of the ad industry – nobody has time to go through Leo Tolstoy’s 900-page portfolio. Ordinarily, if you are of a more sensitive nature, I would say ‘don’t bother pursuing this career path.’ It would be harsh, and you would perhaps cry, but this would only reinforce the point.

Maybe the world is a more sensitive place? Maybe emotions are more delicate because a guy sitting in his trailer 3,000 miles away can make true, but hurtful, insights about your mother instantly, and with no provocation? Maybe it’s all the hormones in vegetables? I ate a carrot yesterday that had shoulders like Geena Davis.

The more impressionable we become to other people’s opinions, the more talented creatives slip through the cracks. The parochial, ape-headed mouthpieces behind generation X’s smear campaigns against the generation that followed would suggest that the solution is to ‘toughen up’ – because people are always just a flex and a scream  away from achieving prominence.

Being tough means nothing. The same pair of scissors could kill both Stephen Hawking and Tyson Fury. The same errant shard of glass could sever the carotid arteries of both the little anaemic kid from The Secret Garden and Wolf from Gladiators.

The armour that is required is not leathery skin, or chainmail, or contempt for others – it’s self-confidence. The HMS Inflexible had the thickest armour plating of any Royal Navy vessel at 24 inches. Okay, that might be a little too much, but the point remains:

An impenetrable ego is an advertiser’s best pal.

This might seem like easy theory and hard practise, but it is simply a barrier within yourself which you consciously summon – imagine an iron curtain rising somewhere between your ears and your eyes, near the front of your brain.

Just tell yourself that the iron curtain lets information through, but not emotion. Granted, when you first try this during a hairdryer session with your CD after you’ve ballsed some work up real good and proper, not a lot will happen. At the beginning, the iron curtain is a more porous membrane – a Swiss cheese curtain. But the more you summon it, the stronger it will become, like Beetlejuice or Godzilla or someone from Gogglebox.

The internal mantra by which your iron curtain should be summoned (I cannot emphasise ‘internal’ enough) is: ‘I AM NOT MY WORK.’

As soon as you’ve achieved the intellectual and sentimental distinction between ‘you’ and ‘your work’, you will have an ego armour fit for the battlefield, my friend.


DP xx


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